Understanding Shiva and the Mourning Period: A Guide to Jewish Customs and Etiquette: Losing someone you love is one of the most challenging experiences anyone can endure. In Jewish tradition, mourning is a critical stage for both those grieving and the surrounding community. Shiva is an integral part of Jewish mourning, and is defined as a seven-day mourning period after the burial to facilitate family and friends to gather to offer comfort to the mourners and honor the deceased. This guide will help you understand the customs of Shiva, what to expect for you as a guest, and the support role rabbis provide for the mourning family.

What is Shiva?

Shiva (meaning “seven” in Hebrew) is the first phase of Jewish mourning that is observed for seven days beginning immediately after the burial. At this time, the immediate family of the deceased (the parents, children, siblings, and spouse) comes together to mourn in their home. The rituals followed during Shivah support mourners to manage their loss, receive comfort from others, and reflect on the deceased’s life. Mourning is supported by Jewish law and tradition, providing an opportunity for a designated period to mourn, reflect, and remember, while allowing for comfort and support from the community.

Important Customs during Shiva

• Sitting on Low Stools or Cushions:

One aspect that differentiates the practice of Shiva is that mourners sit on low stools or cushions as a way to represent their grief and humility. These low stools and cushions represent the mourner’s broken heart. This is both a physical reminder of the loss of their loved one, as well as a representation of the mourner’s broken heart.

• Covering Mirrors:

The mourner’s family also has a custom to cover the mirrors in the home to avoid vanity and self-centered attention. This serves as a visual cue to all family members and visitors that the focus should be on the deceased and the grieving process, rather than appearance.

• Lighting a Memorial Candle:

In the mourners’ house, a special candle called the Ner Neshama is lit. This candle burns throughout the seven days of Shiva. The Ner Neshama represents the soul of the deceased and honors and remembers them.

• Reciting Kaddish:

Mourners should say the Kaddish, the Jewish prayer used to sanctify God’s name, through daily minyan/synagogue services. Kaddish is a fundamental part of the mourner’s mourning process. Mourning, through saying Kaddish, families express their faith and maintain their communal connection during challenging periods.

• Not Wearing Leather Shoes:

During Shiva, the mourner should also avoid wearing leather shoes. This idea is frequently associated with an element of humility and self-denial.

• Food and Meals:

Typically, guests will bring food to the home during Shiva. Mourners will usually receive meals to eat, and the community is expected to get simple and nourishing food. This idea not only shows that the community is supportive, but it also wants them to be comfortable enough to eat.

• No Celebrations or Fun:

Mourners will refrain from participating in joyful activities during Shiva, such as weddings, parties, and even refrain from listening to music. Mourning, praying, and personal reflection are the most critical parts of Shiva.

Tips for Attending a Shiva

If you have been invited to a Shiva house, it is good to know how you can support the mourners during this time. Here is a helpful list of some of the things you can expect:

• Arriving and Offering Condolences:

When you arrive, guests should approach the mourner respectfully. A traditional greeting to a mourner is, “HaMakom yenachem etchem,” which means “may God comfort you among the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem.”

• Support Rather Than Advice:

It’s natural for people to want to offer words of comfort to a mourner. Still, it is essential not to provide any advice or attempt to “make it better.” Often, just being there and hearing is providing support.

• Conversations During Shiva:

Conversations during Shiva will often revolve around memories of the deceased as a way of providing comfort and reflecting on the deceased’s life. Guests will record and collect stories and lessons learned from the deceased. This will help create a connection during mourning.

• Providing Meals:

Providing meals for the grieving family is a common practice. It is a way of showing love and letting them know you care, and it relieves the mourners of the burden of preparing meals during that difficult time.

• Respect for Privacy:

While the intention may be to console the mourners, some people may prefer to be alone or spend quiet time with family and friends. It is essential to respect their wishes if they request privacy, but let them know you are available when they need you.

How Rabbis Support Families During Shiva

Rabbis play a crucial role in guiding families through the mourning process and supporting them in the customs associated with Shiva. Here are some ways rabbis provide essential support:

• Leading the Prayers:

A rabbi may lead the prayers or parts of the prayers, such as the Kaddish, during the Shiva period. This can be especially significant for mourners who may not feel they can recite the prayers or who are new to the process.

• Providing Spiritual Support:

Many mourners turn to their rabbi to provide emotional and spiritual support. A rabbi may provide solace, assist the mourner in processing their grief, and offer hope and perspective from Jewish teachings and traditions on the grieving process.

• Mourning Process Education:

The rabbi typically takes the time to inform individuals about the mourning process, the stages of mourning, customs, and what to expect. This can assist newcomers to these customs and traditions, as well as those unfamiliar with Jewish practices.

• Providing Support to the Family:

In addition to leading prayers, the rabbi provides support by visiting the family, offering counseling, and serving as an emotional anchor during a trying time.

Wrapping Up

Shiva is a component of the Jewish mourning process. It is formalized and allows for familial and communal support for the mourners while remembering the deceased. By understanding the essential customs, the rabbi’s role, and what to expect as a guest, you can provide comfort and support to the family of the deceased while also being respectful as a guest during this time of Jewish tradition. Whether you are a guest or the mourner, Shiva is about sharing grief, healing, and remembering. The rabbi plays a vital role for those sitting Shiva and assisting the family. Please get in touch with Rabbi Ron Broden for support, educational components on the mourning process, and spiritual guidance through prayer.

Frequently Asked Questions for Shiva and the Mourning Period:

Question 1. What should I wear while attending Shiva?

Answer. While you are attending Shiva, your attire should be modest and respectful. Mourners typically avoid wearing new or brightly colored clothes. For guests, dark or somber colors, such as black or dark blue, are appropriate. Avoid wearing flashy or bright colors.

Question 2. For how much time do I need to stay at a Shiva house?

Answer. There is no set time limit for staying at a Shiva house. Guests usually stay for 20-30 minutes. The primary focus is to be respectful of the mourners’ need for rest and not to overstay your welcome.

Question 3. Do I need to bring something to Shiva?

Answer. You can bring food or beverages to share with the mourners as a kind and appreciated gesture. With this gesture, you can ease their burden during such a difficult time.

Question 4. What if I don’t know the family well, but I still visit for Shiva?

Answer. It’s totally fine to visit Shiva even if you don’t know the deceased family well. Your condolences and support are meaningful, and your presence can provide comfort to the mourners.